After The Rock’s headphones, what other products should celebs release?


THE ROCK – the world’s most charismatic steroid user – has just released a product he described on Instagram as “the WORLD’S FIRST over the ear headphones engineered for HARDCORE TRAINING.”

Apart from, THE ROCK, they aren’t really, are they? Are they? Are they really, THE ROCK?

In fact, other famous person Cristiano Ronaldo – in conjunction with Monster – has already released his own pair of over-ear headphones engineered for sport. They’re called, and I quote, “ROC SPORT BLACK PLATINUM OVER-EAR HEADPHONES.” The caps are required, otherwise they’re not extreme.

To be fair to THE ROCK, the marketing collateral for Ronaldo’s doesn’t say “HARDCORE TRAINING” anywhere, so, technically – and I mean that in the worst way – THE ROCK isn’t wrong.

All this got me thinking. If THE ROCK can release a product that already exists, what other celebrities should get in on this game?

An Elon Musk-branded whip

Whips have been around for some time –you know, just like cars – but innovation in this field has been sorely lacking since the British Navy invented the cat o’ nine tails.

Well, your boy Elon is here to change that.

Look, when you’re busy running a company like Tesla, that’s totally gonna, you know, change the world, small details like “working conditions” and “employee rights” don’t matter. What matters is getting the job done. And what has history taught us about the best way to get a job done? Violence.

Elon has shown that the goal is more important than the people, so what better tool for him to release after his flamethrower than a whip? It’s the joy of free-market capitalism, yo! Still, don’t worry, he hasn’t forgotten about innovation. The Musk whip is also electric.