Gifts to bribe the teachers molding your children’s minds


No matter how smart (or dumb) your kid is, a lot of their success in school relies on their teacher(s). This means the real question isn’t how you get your child smarter, it’s how you make the teacher like them more. And I know how you do it. By giving the teachers gifts.

Finding the right object to gift is easier said than done, but lucky for you, I know all the different types of teachers that exist – making bribing that education-lackey easy.

Look, I know you might think “bribing” is a dirty word, but capitalism is capitalism. It’s sell or be sold. Buy or be bought. So, what I’ve done to help you out in this dog-teach-dog world is to find the perfect gift for the type of teacher your child is (probably) being lectured by.

Give them one of the below presents, sit back, and marvel at your youngster’s soaring grades.

The traditionalist

You know the type: they’d wear a mortarboard everyday if the kids would stop sticking gum on it and their colleagues would start speaking to them again.

This type of teacher is unlikely to take kindly to more expensive gifts, viewing them – for some unknown reason – as an affront to their integrity. In other words, they’re your garden variety narc.

But there’s a way of getting around this: apples.