You know Nintendo, right? Then you’ll probably be aware of the Labo, a set of cardboard add-ons that transform the company’s Switch console. Well, today the company announced the next instalment in the series: the VR kit.
When I flicked through the press pictures that accompanied the launch announcement, I was horror struck. Shocked. Appalled. I peed a little. I mean, how could you not after facing down shot after shot of people smiling hollowly and staring into cardboard?
So, as a public service, we’ve ranked the different parts of Nintendo‘s new Labo VR kit from least troubling, to most. Prepare yourself.
Look, this isn’t exactly free from terror – it’s a child screaming into a cardboard, gun-shaped tube. But I’ve wasted too many pound coins in arcades to feel particularly shook by this.
Basically, this is exactly what parents think of when you tell them about VR. Barely troubling.
Think about this thing in action. You come back home after a hard day’s work, call your child’s name, and… nothing. All you hear is a dull, steady thud. You go up the creaking stairs. The thuds are getting louder. You head to their room, the thuds are louder still.
Then, you them sitting there in darkness, flapping. Flapping the weird foot thing. Forever. Flapping. Flapping, forever. The foot thing. Flapping.
I’m gonna be sick. All I can think of is someone strapping a live bird across their face to “see what it feels like to live like a fowl.”
The only thing that stops this from being the top spot is that flying around like a duck might actually be cool – even if you get an asshole’s view of it.
The pose, the body tension, the angle, the lack of shoes – everything about this screams “pervert.”
What sort of horror movie shit is this? Look, elephants are endangered. Should we be encouraging young people to wear the skulls of these innocent creatures, tossing their trunks in the sky as a tribute to their sick YouTube gods? Would we think this was okay if that was a human‘s head being held? I, for one, think not.
If you’d like to get the Labo VR kit, it’s being released on April 12. If you can’t wait for that, you can pick up the pre-existing Labo Variety Kit here, the Robot Kit here, and a Nintendo Switch itself here.
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Published March 7, 2019 — 16:19 UTC